Dear @nickiminaj : Your tour rider will give you diabetes

Nicki Minaj looking beautiful via Wonderland magazine

Dear old Nicki, new Nicki, whichever one fits.

No. I don’t think you’re a diva at all. I don’t really understand the hype. There’s nothing wrong with wanting fresh pink or white roses (though I would have requested red, they smell nicer) in your tour rider (which I think is fake). And I appreciate the modesty – a humidifier, contact lens solution – but my problem is this: despite your mild attempt at eating fruits and tea with lemon wedges, your rider is full of junk. Dasani water is full of salts and gross.

Perhaps you can take my suggestions for next time.

Safra’s tour rider demands (if I were to ever have one):

• Two dozen fresh red roses;
• Joe Malone set of Red Rose scented cologne, body and hand wash, body moisturizers and candles;
• White tea and pomegranate from Harrods set up;
• Two platters of organic blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, pomegranate seeds, sliced blood oranges, ruby grapefruit, purple grapes, and sliced apricots;
• One glass jug of freshly squeezed orange and ginger juice;
• One glass jug of freshly squeezed detox juice: beetroot, funnel, carrot, celery;
• Three glass jugs of freshly squeezed orange and carrot juice;
• 3 Cases of 1.5 litre bottles of Evian water;
• Poached eggs with pumpernickel bread (served hot), lots sliced avocados, and spinach;
• 12 Chicken Shawarma wraps (served hot) with tomatoes, lots of hummus, green olives, purple onions, letter,and garlic sauce;
• Minestrone MUST BE MADE EXACTLY AS FOLLOWS rich tomatoes with chunky pieces of carrot, leek, onion, tomato and celery with elbow pasta and garnished with green pesto and fresh baby leaf spinach. Please contact the British food chain EAT to confirm;
• Two large bowls of ‘Big Salad’ from Toronto restaurant Fresh (avocados, jalapenos, black olives, spinach instead of cucumber, baby tomatoes, carrots, red pepper, and hulled hemp on salad greens);
• One on-site masseuse who specializes in reflexology and Indian head massages;
• One large platter of assorted cheeses (MUST have blue cheese) with fresh French buns and flat bread served hot;
• One large platter of Jumbo shrimp, Oysters, shellfish, salmon, mussels and calamari.

Please note: If none of the items requested are on site the engagement will be cancelled immediately.

Notice the difference?